SUPER MARITAL SEX COURTSHIP RULE: BE THE PURSUER
Go after anybody you would like to try for. Forget the “league” concept. “Most of the women I wanted were not in my league,” stated one of the husbands. “I decided I had two choices: Stay in the minors or go for the majors.”
Waiting, seducing, tricking, maneuvering, playing coy, being wise—all will fail. “I have waited for him to call for two weeks,” said the woman. “Why don’t you call him now, here, from my office?” I asked. “What! Are you out of your mind? Just call him like I can’t wait to talk to him? Like I am after him?”
“Aren’t you?” I asked
“Well, of course, I would kill to have him. But I just have to wait it out. I don’t want to be hurt,” she said.
“But you are already hurt. You came to me because you feel alone, just passively waiting, ineffective. So act!”
She called, and his roommate announced that he had left town for a new job. “Thanks a hell of a lot,” she said. “I told you this would happen. I feel like a complete fool.”
She was angry, hurt, disappointed, and had taken a severe blow to her self-esteem. But now she could act, she could try to find him and ask what happened, or move on to someone else and try again. She really had little choice, but sitting home for two or three more weeks would have only been a waste of time and might have built her up for an even bigger letdown.
I find that the young people I see in therapy talk much more about the relationship than self, feelings, and love. They try to analyze “it,” figure “it” out, come up with a new trick to work “it” out. Nothing works as well as going full tilt after someone you want and keeping on course with that person once you are married. We “go after someone” romantically by giving ourselves, by sharing, not pursuing.
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