BREAST CANCER/PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS: MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN
Preadolescent children can be tough! Like their younger siblings, they may have many questions—or they may not. You may want to talk with them more than they want to talk with you. As long as you repeat the message that you will be available to talk when your son or daughter is ready, you will be leaving the lines of communication open. It is okay to let your older child know that you are sad and frightened; you don’t have to hide or deny your feelings in front of your children in an attempt to protect them. They will be confused and will think it strange if you do not admit to strong, negative feelings.
Children this age have a strong need to be just like their peers. Having a mother with cancer is different, and they may react with embarrassment and shame. They may have an especially difficult time with the changes in your physical appearance and may ask you to always wear a wig (rather than a hat or scarf) when their friends are around. Preadolescent girls, obviously, may be especially upset by your breast surgery, and preadolescent boys may be totally wordless and embarrassed because of their sexual association with breasts. On the other hand, boys this age may surprise you with their tender naivete. One of our sons was totally confused when told his mother would need further surgery, in addition to the lumpectomy she had previously had, because he could not even conceive of the possibility of having an entire breast removed. To him this was a permanent, irremovable body part. When the full reality was explained to him and the realization of what this meant registered fully, he suddenly burst into tears.
Middle school children may be furious that you have told their principal or guidance counselor about your diagnosis. You should still tell someone at the school, but it would be smart to ask that he or she not say anything directly to your child. As long as the school knows about the home situation, they will keep a watchful eye out for signs of trouble; they will not need to single out your child, which would certainly cause him or her great embarrassment.
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